Genuinely bad day.

ever had one of those days where everything just progressively gets worse? every piece of news you receive. every situation you come across.

fuck it. and fuck you for playing my heart.

Strange

It doesnt feel like December. it doesnt feel like christmas is in this month. time is just flying past way to quickly. too fast for me to grasp onto anything. anything that comes my way, im appreciating it and embracing.
i just wish she felt the same.

completely and utterly disappointed in myself.

i was handcuffed for the first time tonight. im such an idiot.

epiphany.

something just occurred to me within the quiet of my room. only sounds are those coming from the music flowing through my walls. why does everyone strive to be something their not. if everybody just loved themselves, wouldnt everything seem perfect? there is no point in wishing for something that could never be, and if you know that why obsess over it so much. i, myself am a victim of this. i want to be skinny, tall, eyes that people fall asleep in, but you know what, that is not me and never will be. and suddenly a burst occurred within me, a burst of acceptance. a burst of "okay" i need to not strive for something that i will just never have, but be completely okay with the person i see in the mirror. even if somedays i just want to stay in bed and cry, i still need to tell myself, i am beautiful. and in the words of christina aguilera,
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down


and to everybody feeling unhappy with themselves,
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down


lets all accept what we are, and who we are. and then we will find everything else becomes brighter. focus on the good things going on, the things that make you happy.
love life, love everyone, love yourself
<3

aahhh

its 11/11

lets hope today is a good one!<3

just one of those things

you shouldnt tell anyone, but you have to.
so intense and surreal. i thought it was a dream. close. too close. breathing heavy.
fuck man.

fuuuuck.

damn

i genuinely feel depressed right now.

ha. its been a while.
late nights and movies.

peace.

GOD

damn. damn shit damn.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant explain what is happening.
my hair is dark.
and there is so much more. that i could never even begin to type out.

OFF TO ANOTHER WORLD.

i look to my right and i see an empty passanger seat.

i look at my phone and see no missed alerts.

i look at my family and they wanna cry for me. they cant see me in pain.

i look at my friends and i feel so lucky to know i have someone here for me.

i look at some pictures and i start to cry.

so i look at the sky and ask for anything to heal my pain. and it seems like hes making it worse on me.

so i look at myself and want to break the mirror cause i didnt do anything wrong.

i probably shouldnt have looked.

im not really that sad. ^ that was just interesting. i didnt write it. loollllllz.

Sore

the word to describe my fragile mind. so very fragile. and can be affected oh so easily. im very sorry i act the way i do. i dont understand why i cant just be happy with what is going on. im scared of loosing you to him. that is the honest truth. your my best friend, my mascot, my number one, my llama, my better half, i can go on and on. i know you relieve my angry thoughts all the time. and tell me again and again you wont leave me. so how come i cant realize that? i still feel alone. in a room full of people i feel alone. does that make sense? i just want to move. maybe im meant to be alone. even though i cant stand it. i need someone to constantly be with me. im so needy. fuck. thats probably why nobody wants me.
speaking of nobody wanting me.
maybe if i fake some confidence, people will think i am. besides the people who read this, they know my true thoughts. that i hate mirrors. or anything that shows back a reflection. that my shortness angers me. and my eyes. why cant i just. change them.

but really though, this is me. its not like by saying i wish i looked like someone else i will magically turn into someone else. i just need to accept im a curvy short browneyed mofucka.
it will just take time.

bye. shut the fuck up alyssa.

sickening.

i feel sick to my stomach. its an unbearable sick. mixed in with the literal sense and the metaphoric intertwined into one molecular thought. did that make sense? no. do i care? no. its so strange what i feel. its gross and i hate the thoughts that come inside my head. they are selfish and are not needed. why do i need you all for myself? what kind of friend isnt happy for their other half? why do i get so angry? so mad so fast? why do i have such issues with my confidence? why am i sad for absolutely no reason? why does my mom not understand me? why does my dad never call me? how does he not know i miss him? does he not care that he has only seen me 5 times in my life? why am i so mean to my mom? why do i have no clue what im doing with my life? why do i have a desperate search to be inebriated? why do i push away everyone that gets close to me? WHYWHYWHYWHY? why cant i understand you really wont leave me?

and to a whole other person you know who you are,
ive been avoiding speaking my feelings about you. because i hate going back to what i felt. and i am right now. and i hope you can feel my sadness wrenching your heart as you read this. because that is what i felt. when you hurt me again and again. and this last time you were gone and spoke your sweet words to me, and told me you wanted to kiss me, then come back and act like you never even said those words, it broke my heart. maybe one day again i can be your friend. but it sickens me to know that you could do something like that. more than once, and still want to "go back like we were" i dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. you told me so many things. we were gonna move together. and for a silly split second i thought this was different. that you could actually be mine. but no. i fell into the bullshit once more and got my heart trampled on. nothing new.
all im trying to say is your not gonna get a forgiveness from me anytime soon. and if i do somehow find it to forgive you, i will never forget.

these questions nobody can answer but me. i have to search inside myself to find them. i apologize to anyone who is affected by my obscenities and my obnoxious mood swings. forgive them. they know not what they do.

ha. jesus quote.

officially

i have been diagnosed with ADHD.
surprise surprise.
anyone else think you've got it?
heres a little checklist.

has difficulty paying attention or staying focused on a task or activity
has problems finishing assignments at school or home and jumps from one activity to another
has trouble focusing on instructions and difficulty following through
loses or forgets things such as homework
is easily distracted, even when doing something fun
has problems paying close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
has trouble organizing tasks and activities
has difficulty waiting one's turn
interrupts or intrudes on other people
blurts out answers before questions have been completed
fidgets with hands or feet or squirms about when seated
feels restless
talks excessively and has trouble engaging in activities quietly
A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one?s goals (regardless of how much one has accomplished)
Difficulty getting organized
Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started
Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through
Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark
An ongoing search for high stimulation
A tendency to be easily bored
Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often coupled with an ability to focus at times
Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent
Trouble going through established channels, following proper procedure
Impatient; low tolerance for frustration
Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like
Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers
Sense of impending doom, insecurity, alternating with high risk-taking
Depression, especially when disengaged from a project
Restlessness
Tendency toward active behavior
Chronic problems with self-esteem
Inaccurate self-observation
Family history of manic-depressive illness, depression, substance abuse, or other disorders of impulse control or mood

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked.

i love you alyssa

written by yareli.ALYSSAS BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

long time no post

i havnt been speaking my mind on here. than agin, who would want to listen?
i love my best friends. and i loved my weekend. take me back to everything.
<3

Manic.

i can never be good enough. nope.
she thinks of him. i think of her. she laughs with them. cries with me.
it is strange how bi polar tonight was. maryjane helped the mood get set. happy and fun. then. it hit. a million realizations at the same time. swarmed me. drowned me. took over me. its almost as i understand now. completely. but why? FUCK. if i could just get some answers. the sky. the lights. it was all so hypnotizing. but she was somewhere else. as was i. at this moment in time. im numb. so i watch movies so i dont have to think about anything.

oh and to YOU, this wasnt about you. your selfish. and you broke my heart. no. you shattered it.

basically.

lifes getting better. its not good. its just getting better.

Things that took place this summer.

ended school. i am now a junior.
kissed 2 people.
developed a crush on one of the said people.
spent time with maryjane. and had amazing times with her and my best friends.
became a clean freak. WEIRD.
came to the consensus that i like my moms boyfriend. hes awesome.
saw transformers 2. and once again renewed my love for megan fox.
watched probably over 30 movies.
got a hoop for my nose. even though everyone told me not to.
began to eat crazy healthy and work out.
went to the mall twice.
stole things. its what i do. get off my case. deal with your own problems.
kept friendships strong all summer.
got clothes.
learned how to play guitar.
played with my 3 week old kittens. i dont want to give them away :(
had crazy fucking dreams.

i am absolutley

in LOVE with josephine wall.

i need

to realize schools going to be here in a week. i will be a junior. i can still remember being in 5th grade thinking high schoolers were so old. and high school was this giant place of confusion. and it still is. this year i hope its the best. i hope everything is perfect. well. almost perfect.

at least ive got my bestfriends<3

A mind of the confused.

some day i hope to write a book. parts of it will be fact, some will be fiction. this is a fictional passage.

The air was full of wind. moving trees and causing the grass to dance. It smelled of fall. there were clouds above my head, full and white. lining with grey. They appeared sad. as if they knew what was about to take place. almost like my mind was read. I glanced at the water. shimmering and staring blankly at me. Inviting, but almost sad. first step. sent chills throughout my body. second step. the breeze flew through my hair, making every strand feel like it wanted to to pull me away. third step, 5th, then finally, i was to my neck. the cold air whisked across my face. and the water was bitter and felt colder than before. but i continued to sink. almost like it was quicksand, and i could no longer get away. i could feel a warm tear glide across my face. ive heard scenes run through your head when this time comes. a sense of euphoria. and the scenes started. every place ive been. every hand ive held. every person ive kissed. every smile i gave. these memories shot through me like a jolt of lightning. and then i descended. i was beneath the water. it was peaceful. nobody could hear me think. hear me cry. i wanted to stay there forever. my organs began to tense. letting me know this was not supposed to be happening. but my mind took over. and reassured. i just let go. i sank. i let the water infiltrate my lungs. thinking this was really about to happen. but im guessing this wasnt my time. i heard a shout from above the water. here i go, back to reality. im released. back into the world of real. and my moms calling me in for dinner. such a sad thing. she thought i was helplessly swimming. just relaxing. little did she know i was about to be in the next life. or wherever you are supposed to be after death, in about 3 more minutes underneath that water.

everythings

slowly fading.

i feel alone,ugly,confused,uncertain,gross,regret.

i feel.

inexplainable.

there comes a time

when you just need to step back, and look at everything from a different perspective. to appreciate what you have, to understand the meaning of what is wonderful, what causes even the littlest of smiles throughout the day. heres a list of things that make me smile these days.

yareli

jenni

ashley

lauren

maddie

devon

and all the friends that have stuck around my crazy ass

my new kittens ^.^

trips to cabo

smuggling weed back into the u.s across the border. and not getting caught. and the fact that dogs were cirlcling our car, and we were still saved. pure fucking luck

my mom, and just hugging her for the longest time. and feeling like im 6 years old again when she could protect me from all the scary things in the dark

maryjane. engulfing me with her magical ribbon of smoke. and giving me fun times i will remember for the rest of my life

summer. even though i feel my skin burning every time i step outside

my family. even though they drive me crazy, its still nice to feel the love. and its nice to always have someone to laugh with

i knew it

i knew it from the beginning. yet i still let it happen.

and its perfect.

i just wish you knew.

sun peaking in with rays of dust particles swimming about. just so close to me. it feels so right. every heartbeat is another kiss from you.

i never want my heart to stop beating.

mindboggling

so after my little rant underneath this post, i realized it is absolutely true. and just maybe i exaggerated a bit. things either are bad, or their good, its just how things are. for everybody.

and right now it is a most wonderful happy i am feeling. why you ask?

well;

my summer school class isnt all that bad

i have 2 pretty awesome people that sit next to me. we have good laughs

Cabo?!

seeing Harry Potter with my best friend Yareli!

i get to see Maddie soon which makes my heart beat more happier with every thought of it<3

im losing weight, and sticking to eating healthy. its a lifestyle for me now

ive lost people in my life for the better. i hope there doing well with whatever their doing now.

i have the most amazing best friends<333

im just fucking happy

it is strange

that whenever something seems to be going good, it is followed by greater good. and happiness.

than when something converts to bad, it stays bad. and just keeps going downward.

but i should be used to this by now. its been happening since as far back as i can remember.

its either all good luck, or all shit.

why cant there just be a happy medium.

why cant people see what i truly mean when i say certain things.

its just bullshit. and frankly im tired of it.

beyond tired with high school.

and extremely tired of this fucking place. theres nothing here that is benefiting me.

yeah i have a couple true friends. emphasis on the word COUPLE.

the rest are just bullshitters who have nothing better to do than pretend to be someone's friend, and not even really care about anyone but themselves.

i find me asking myself why is it that every friend i come in contact with, it turns to shit.

turns to lies. fake.

is it me? thats probably it right there. its me.

theres nothing keeping me here.

im seriously considering moving with my dad in washington. its beautiful there. and peaceful.

the complete opposite from this shithole desert. and i can be around people who actually give a shit about me. my sisters and my brothers. i love you coya.

ramblerambleblahblahblahnothing.

Note to self

i should never have coffee if its past about 4pm. it will keep me up all night.

hence the 5:35 AM blogging. so since i am not tired and my mind is expanded i decided to write a list of the things that happened in the past month.

I ;

ended school. i am now a junior.

kissed 2 people.

developed a crush on one of the said people.

shmoked from mystic.

became a clean freak. WEIRD.

came to the consensus that i like my moms boyfriend. hes awesome.

saw transformers 2. and once again renewed my love for megan fox.

watched probably over 20 movies.

got a hoop for my nose. even though everyone told me not to.

began to eat crazy healthy and work out.

went to the mall twice.

stole things. its what i do. get off my case. deal with your own problems.

thats all i got so far.

for once

im at ease.

for once. im okay.

my mind had been lifted to a calm happy

even though you drive my mind wild. i still am remaining okay.

i realized that i dont like being alone. i have separation problems.

or something to that nature.

but all i want to do is kiss you again.

it keeps replaying in my head.

like a broken record. over and over.

but i never want it to end.

and to you,

i will NEVER leave you.

i promise

<3

fine

im not going to edc. but hey. its all good.

today was good. spent it with my two best friends yareli and jenni. they make me laugh like no other. i love them for forever and beyond.

cant wait for Cabo this summer with these bitches!

<3

EDC

If i cant go, i will cry for a very long time

ihopeicangoooooooo!

free

its strange what a clean room does to ones mind. it seemed to clear it. erase all the sadness.

i looked in my drawer today.

3 letters i wrote.

two last year. one this.

3 letters i spilled every last thought about them i had.

they had a designated destination.

they were to be placed in their hands, confused by all the words they were taking in.

but ive just come to the conclusion,

they will never read them.

so in my drawer they will sit.

and i love you. no matter how far from me you are, you know your the one. it just breaks my heart knowing your that far. just a couple more years.

you know the rest<3

flying high

glass and vibrant. the shape mesmerizes me and brings me in close.

one inhale.

a little cough.

second inhale.

i smile.

her turn.

she inhales.

she lets out small coughs.

its cute.

i want another hit.

i inhale again. and again. and again.

the smoke slithered down my throat like a snake, breaking off in little sections and holding on to all of my organs.

my brain began to expand. i felt my mind spin.

but it wasn't a bad spin, a good spin, like a carnival ride.

and i never want the ride to end.

outside the sky is bluer than it ever appeared to be.

the trees were a green similar to the color of herb now inside my throat.

i am then led into the room and let my soul sink into the bed.

what happens next is for you to use your imagination.

think far.

my heart is having a hard time breathing

it happened. isn't this what i wanted? or maybe i was searching for the wrong thing, but ended up in the right. it was just like i imagined. perfect. but perhaps the perfection cant last. there is no predicition to this situation. all i can pray for is that this doesnt afffect anything else.

there is a piece of my heart that wants to hold you forever, but knows this isn't quite a possibility

i wish you could see in me what you see in the guys. just know ill be here if you need me. ill wait if i have to. if im going in the wrong path, just tell me. im okay with settling for less. ill love you just the same. don't forget that please.

your my best friend. and i love you.

messy fuck

i hate cleaning. especially my room. and i hate being on a diet. but im gonna stick with it. im gonna do this. i just miss being able to eat peanut butter and jelly on white bread. and just snacks n stuff. whatever. i have a strong will.

even though i would kill for some mac n cheese :(

i undeniably

miss being your best friend.

we parted and i dont know why. and i never will.

i knew you the longest out of any of my friends. and you knew me the most. 

still to this day i think you are the prettiest person i have ever met.

i wouldn't say it if i didnt mean it..

i just wish you knew that. i just wish you knew how amazing you are

im sorry i was so immature. and im sorry for not being there when you truly needed me. if i could take everything back i would. if i could just go back and start over when we were young i would in a heartbeat.

i hope your doing well. 

i just. 

fucking miss you.

apple pie. french fry.

summer

is here! finally

it feels odd to say im now a junior. or will be next year. just another year closer to graduating

upperclassssman. muaha

and i love all my best friends

reli,jenni,jasmine,lauren,monica,ash,maddie,devon

and any one else in my life who just makes me smile every day

also im trying not to think about the fact i have summer school second semester.

oh well. at least i get a 3 week break right?!

my stress reliever

poems. i write them often. here are just some random ones ive written.

your mesmerizing frame is dangerously close to me. Your skin, luminous and touchable, inches from me, sending millions of tiny electrical surges throughout my whole body. Every vertebrate, ever muscle, pumping with electricity. Every drop of blood flowing through me like a river attempting to reach the other side of the world. Carrying with it hope, secrets, and a life time of memories floating about. if there was only an inch of myself left that has anything left for me to hold on to. the sun, overly bright and captivating, brings me close, draws me in, similar to what you do to me. before you, there wasn't an existing thought on my mind that believed itself could last. before you i felt untouchable, unbreakable. Slowly life begins to shut down. My life begins to fall apart piece by piece, softly crumbling away from what hope i still have left. It disappears into the light, being swallowed by our soft auras.

My body begins to feel weightless. I slowly begin to lay on the bed of grass which is placed underneath us. every green blade of grass speckled with raindrops falling gently from above. the sun, high above, breathes me into its warm air and i am hypnotized by its luminous rays. your gentle fingers trace my spine, sending surges through my body. your hair, soft to the touch, slowly brushing across my face. your breath, warm and subtle, i can feel whispering into my ear. with every beat my heart takes another breath in of air.

you take my mind and spin it around till i cant see straight. a blurred vision but your still stuck in the center focus i see you perfectly, but its me that you cant see is wanting it so much enough, is my willingness to give myself to you too much? or is the whole concept of me releasing my vulnerability to you impossible. i wish you were just able to hold my hand and never let it go and as our hands collide together and become one the beats dancing around my head in our misty aromas not even pausing for a breath but our hands tracing the outline of one another's body your eyes slowly close. and as your heart raises towards the sky everything around us black and white you and me in sync. colorful and wrapped interchanging shades of color a light gasp of air, taking it in as if it were our first and this innocent feeling we are experiencing as if we have before but a loss of innocence has approached and as your wrapped in my arms the thoughts in your mind sing to me they whisper your deepest secrets and wants i whisper mine to you

life goes on

a lot happened today. im glad me and my dance girls did a good job.

i want it to be summer already. 

my shoulder hurts.

please dont be mad at me.

and i hate that i want something completely different than he does

and i wish she could see how much she hurts me 

:/

whine whine whine

i mean working out is okay, but i just wish i could have instant results. or just be born blessed with a beautiful body. but everyone has their flaws

i just wish i didn't think about mine so much

plus i wish i wouldn't of done that. i am such a fucking nosy person. and i almost threatened a friendship. i seriously need to think before i act. im so sorry. your my best friend and i will never betray your trust like that. ever again.

 :(

I need to

stop stealing

accept myself fully

realize that i will be on my own in about 2 years

be nicer to my mom

clean my fucking room. and keep it clean

stop being such a bitch

keep eating healthy. and stick with working out this time. 3 weeks strong!

join a sport

stop being so selfish

let everyone i love know how much i love them

get good grades next year

cut down on the drug use. all my moneys disappearing man

be grateful for everything i have

 

is it weird to say

im scared to say im a junior. but also excited. it seemed like just yesterday i was still going to sacred heart in elementary. ahah catholic school now look where i ended up.

im think im ready for this. im ready to start my life.

Addicted.

i cant help it. but i keep repeating my actions.  like a record repeating in my mind over and over again. 

but i feel so free

So

i finally made one.

now everyone can read every thought on my mind.

enjoy

Racing

my mind seems to retrace back to these feelings. no matter how much i attempt to stray from them, they follow me like rain after the clouds have appeared. i am lost in these feelings. i am trapt inside my own mind. unable to breathe. unable to speak. and here i stay. there is no chance for return. i keep telling myself it will get better. but the time has not come. here i wait. here i stay.