Downward Spiral

how is it things go from unbelievably perfect, to destroyed. It's probably me. I cant wait to leave this place.

Where is my mind

it has been too long since i've written. so many things have happened. ill start with the summer. i was at this music festival called the summer meltdown in washington. in the middle of the forest. ok so the first day, friday me and my sister met this guy with an insanly beautiful hippie bus. and he painted the whole thing himself. and later on in the night he was like heyyy wanna do shrooms?! so we were like fuck yes! and it was in chocolate. so we ate it and just chilled. i didnt really know what to expectt but i was excited. and then i was in the porta-potty and i felt like the walls were breahting. and it creeped me out. so i went out .and i looked at my sister and we both realized we felt the same. then we went into this hippie tent and started dancing.i felt the music and felt it through my whole body, and was connecting to everyone in the dance tent.then we left and looked back and the way the tents were shaped looked like mountains and there were colorful lazers above them so it looked like the northern lights! it was amazing. and then we heard this guy started to baah like a sheep and couldnt stop laughing for liek 20 mins. then this group of hippies invited us into the forest, and in the middle of the forest was this huuuge giant red tent, and inside was like 20 hippies playing violins, bongos, guitars, singing, it was awesome. adn the tent was breahting. and then we just walked around the forest til like 6 in the mornging and it started raining. the next day we took shrooms again but this time half an 8th. we were just haning out in this other dance tent when it hit us HARD. and we started to get really paranoid cause this guy with a unicorn/moon mask thing had a potatoe gun and i thought it was a real one! and then there were midgets dancing around and i thought they were gonna kill me. wei got super scared and we ran out of there. then we went to my older sisters moms house which is in the middle of the foerst and it was BEAUTIFUL. we started talking to the flowers, trees, connecting with nature, looking in the mirror for liek an hour, blowing bubbles, listening to music, looked in the fridge, looked at all the pics on teh fridge,watched across the universe. then started tripping out on the sunlight coming through the blinds. PURE AMAZEMENT

another topic. im a senior. a SENIOR. when i was in 7th grade the seniors seemed so old. seemed so perfect. knew what they wanted. but now that i am in those shoes, i know it is quite the opposite. i have no clue what i want. where i want to go. all i know is that im excited to start my life. i know it might not always work out the way i want, but whatever turns out perfect. i think if i just go with the flow, and just stay positive i will be okay. i lost a small part of me last night, but im glad i did. i wonder what life will bring me. i wonder what it has in store ready for me to experience. i want to travel the world. go on adventures. meet new people. im so ecstatic for this journey of my life. it breaks my heart to see people just work their life away. not even enjoying the beauty around them. i promise to myself i will not be a prisoner of this.

im excited for the events to come. universal fright night, halloween, thanksgiving, winter break, washington, christmas, new years, my birthday, ill be 18!, valentines day, and then graduation. is it strange that im so excited for grad night?!
i left out quite a lot of what im going to do this year, but it was just a generalization.
i want to start writing more on here. so people can understand me better. get to know me.
thats all for today. till next time.

were all mad here.

<3

forever young.

i havnt been on here in a while. maybe its good i dont announce my thoughts over the web. for everyone to see and know. or maybe i do want people to get a slice of what goes on inside my head. anyways. prom is tonight. im super excited. i hope i have a blast with my best friends.

to jump around topics, im stressing about college. i want so bad to go to a cal state, or university, but i dont have the money. and im not even sure if i have the grades. and next year would be hell if i wanted to try. id need to do, chemistry& advanced algebra. fml. whydoesmathexist. but im not gonna stress about that yet. im pretty sure my head would explode. i just want SO badly to get out of this fucking desert. like. wtf is this place? i just dont think i belong here. im so ready to start my life. live in my own apartment, meet new people, have fun. and not have to listen to what my parents tell me what to do. and this community service shit. its stressing me the fuck out. i am the world WORST procrastinator. i had 6 months to do 30 hours. easy. but me, of fucking course, wait till the month before they are due. i think im gonna go everyday after school and do a couple hours. i need to. i have too. i wish i would of never started stealing in the first place. it got so out of hand. but thank sweet jesus i learned a lesson.

to jump around again. i dont understand why i need a label. everybody asks me, are you gay, are you bi, do you like boys, and my answer is. im ME. i dont need to define myself with anything. im just looking for love, and that might be with a girl, or it might be with a guy. everybody has a heart. and everybody can love just the same. at this point in my life however, i think girls just might be what im trying to pursue right now. i just dont know where to find them. lol.


and to you. i was so happy when you told me you wanted to go back to the way we were. ive always loved you, and you knew that. but still. you took my heart from me again. just to end up hurting me all over again. but it was expected. i wrote something for you.


You give me butterflies as if it was the first time we kissed. everytime i talk to you my heart sings. my eyes smile. my breath dances against yours. when you touch me i feel electricity. when you kiss me i feel sunshine. when you hold me i feel serenity. and when you leave i feel clouds begin to surround me. every raindrop hitting the ground like another tear from my eye. confusion is just one word you leave me feeling. among all the other collection of feelings. i could give you the world, without the destruction. i could give you rainbows, without all the darkness before, i could give you love, without all the tears. if you could only see that im here, and have been here the whole time. but like the seasons, i will always return. like the sun, i will be there everyday for you, and like grass to raindrops, ill be there for you when you fall.

Time

is slowly being wasted

2010.
weird.

Genuinely bad day.

ever had one of those days where everything just progressively gets worse? every piece of news you receive. every situation you come across.

fuck it. and fuck you for playing my heart.

Strange

It doesnt feel like December. it doesnt feel like christmas is in this month. time is just flying past way to quickly. too fast for me to grasp onto anything. anything that comes my way, im appreciating it and embracing.
i just wish she felt the same.

completely and utterly disappointed in myself.

i was handcuffed for the first time tonight. im such an idiot.