sickening.

i feel sick to my stomach. its an unbearable sick. mixed in with the literal sense and the metaphoric intertwined into one molecular thought. did that make sense? no. do i care? no. its so strange what i feel. its gross and i hate the thoughts that come inside my head. they are selfish and are not needed. why do i need you all for myself? what kind of friend isnt happy for their other half? why do i get so angry? so mad so fast? why do i have such issues with my confidence? why am i sad for absolutely no reason? why does my mom not understand me? why does my dad never call me? how does he not know i miss him? does he not care that he has only seen me 5 times in my life? why am i so mean to my mom? why do i have no clue what im doing with my life? why do i have a desperate search to be inebriated? why do i push away everyone that gets close to me? WHYWHYWHYWHY? why cant i understand you really wont leave me?

and to a whole other person you know who you are,
ive been avoiding speaking my feelings about you. because i hate going back to what i felt. and i am right now. and i hope you can feel my sadness wrenching your heart as you read this. because that is what i felt. when you hurt me again and again. and this last time you were gone and spoke your sweet words to me, and told me you wanted to kiss me, then come back and act like you never even said those words, it broke my heart. maybe one day again i can be your friend. but it sickens me to know that you could do something like that. more than once, and still want to "go back like we were" i dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. you told me so many things. we were gonna move together. and for a silly split second i thought this was different. that you could actually be mine. but no. i fell into the bullshit once more and got my heart trampled on. nothing new.
all im trying to say is your not gonna get a forgiveness from me anytime soon. and if i do somehow find it to forgive you, i will never forget.

these questions nobody can answer but me. i have to search inside myself to find them. i apologize to anyone who is affected by my obscenities and my obnoxious mood swings. forgive them. they know not what they do.

ha. jesus quote.