damn

i genuinely feel depressed right now.

ha. its been a while.
late nights and movies.

peace.

GOD

damn. damn shit damn.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant explain what is happening.
my hair is dark.
and there is so much more. that i could never even begin to type out.

OFF TO ANOTHER WORLD.

i look to my right and i see an empty passanger seat.

i look at my phone and see no missed alerts.

i look at my family and they wanna cry for me. they cant see me in pain.

i look at my friends and i feel so lucky to know i have someone here for me.

i look at some pictures and i start to cry.

so i look at the sky and ask for anything to heal my pain. and it seems like hes making it worse on me.

so i look at myself and want to break the mirror cause i didnt do anything wrong.

i probably shouldnt have looked.

im not really that sad. ^ that was just interesting. i didnt write it. loollllllz.

Sore

the word to describe my fragile mind. so very fragile. and can be affected oh so easily. im very sorry i act the way i do. i dont understand why i cant just be happy with what is going on. im scared of loosing you to him. that is the honest truth. your my best friend, my mascot, my number one, my llama, my better half, i can go on and on. i know you relieve my angry thoughts all the time. and tell me again and again you wont leave me. so how come i cant realize that? i still feel alone. in a room full of people i feel alone. does that make sense? i just want to move. maybe im meant to be alone. even though i cant stand it. i need someone to constantly be with me. im so needy. fuck. thats probably why nobody wants me.
speaking of nobody wanting me.
maybe if i fake some confidence, people will think i am. besides the people who read this, they know my true thoughts. that i hate mirrors. or anything that shows back a reflection. that my shortness angers me. and my eyes. why cant i just. change them.

but really though, this is me. its not like by saying i wish i looked like someone else i will magically turn into someone else. i just need to accept im a curvy short browneyed mofucka.
it will just take time.

bye. shut the fuck up alyssa.

sickening.

i feel sick to my stomach. its an unbearable sick. mixed in with the literal sense and the metaphoric intertwined into one molecular thought. did that make sense? no. do i care? no. its so strange what i feel. its gross and i hate the thoughts that come inside my head. they are selfish and are not needed. why do i need you all for myself? what kind of friend isnt happy for their other half? why do i get so angry? so mad so fast? why do i have such issues with my confidence? why am i sad for absolutely no reason? why does my mom not understand me? why does my dad never call me? how does he not know i miss him? does he not care that he has only seen me 5 times in my life? why am i so mean to my mom? why do i have no clue what im doing with my life? why do i have a desperate search to be inebriated? why do i push away everyone that gets close to me? WHYWHYWHYWHY? why cant i understand you really wont leave me?

and to a whole other person you know who you are,
ive been avoiding speaking my feelings about you. because i hate going back to what i felt. and i am right now. and i hope you can feel my sadness wrenching your heart as you read this. because that is what i felt. when you hurt me again and again. and this last time you were gone and spoke your sweet words to me, and told me you wanted to kiss me, then come back and act like you never even said those words, it broke my heart. maybe one day again i can be your friend. but it sickens me to know that you could do something like that. more than once, and still want to "go back like we were" i dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. you told me so many things. we were gonna move together. and for a silly split second i thought this was different. that you could actually be mine. but no. i fell into the bullshit once more and got my heart trampled on. nothing new.
all im trying to say is your not gonna get a forgiveness from me anytime soon. and if i do somehow find it to forgive you, i will never forget.

these questions nobody can answer but me. i have to search inside myself to find them. i apologize to anyone who is affected by my obscenities and my obnoxious mood swings. forgive them. they know not what they do.

ha. jesus quote.