Note to self

i should never have coffee if its past about 4pm. it will keep me up all night.

hence the 5:35 AM blogging. so since i am not tired and my mind is expanded i decided to write a list of the things that happened in the past month.

I ;

ended school. i am now a junior.

kissed 2 people.

developed a crush on one of the said people.

shmoked from mystic.

became a clean freak. WEIRD.

came to the consensus that i like my moms boyfriend. hes awesome.

saw transformers 2. and once again renewed my love for megan fox.

watched probably over 20 movies.

got a hoop for my nose. even though everyone told me not to.

began to eat crazy healthy and work out.

went to the mall twice.

stole things. its what i do. get off my case. deal with your own problems.

thats all i got so far.

for once

im at ease.

for once. im okay.

my mind had been lifted to a calm happy

even though you drive my mind wild. i still am remaining okay.

i realized that i dont like being alone. i have separation problems.

or something to that nature.

but all i want to do is kiss you again.

it keeps replaying in my head.

like a broken record. over and over.

but i never want it to end.

and to you,

i will NEVER leave you.

i promise

<3

fine

im not going to edc. but hey. its all good.

today was good. spent it with my two best friends yareli and jenni. they make me laugh like no other. i love them for forever and beyond.

cant wait for Cabo this summer with these bitches!

<3

EDC

If i cant go, i will cry for a very long time

ihopeicangoooooooo!

free

its strange what a clean room does to ones mind. it seemed to clear it. erase all the sadness.

i looked in my drawer today.

3 letters i wrote.

two last year. one this.

3 letters i spilled every last thought about them i had.

they had a designated destination.

they were to be placed in their hands, confused by all the words they were taking in.

but ive just come to the conclusion,

they will never read them.

so in my drawer they will sit.

and i love you. no matter how far from me you are, you know your the one. it just breaks my heart knowing your that far. just a couple more years.

you know the rest<3

flying high

glass and vibrant. the shape mesmerizes me and brings me in close.

one inhale.

a little cough.

second inhale.

i smile.

her turn.

she inhales.

she lets out small coughs.

its cute.

i want another hit.

i inhale again. and again. and again.

the smoke slithered down my throat like a snake, breaking off in little sections and holding on to all of my organs.

my brain began to expand. i felt my mind spin.

but it wasn't a bad spin, a good spin, like a carnival ride.

and i never want the ride to end.

outside the sky is bluer than it ever appeared to be.

the trees were a green similar to the color of herb now inside my throat.

i am then led into the room and let my soul sink into the bed.

what happens next is for you to use your imagination.

think far.

my heart is having a hard time breathing

it happened. isn't this what i wanted? or maybe i was searching for the wrong thing, but ended up in the right. it was just like i imagined. perfect. but perhaps the perfection cant last. there is no predicition to this situation. all i can pray for is that this doesnt afffect anything else.

there is a piece of my heart that wants to hold you forever, but knows this isn't quite a possibility

i wish you could see in me what you see in the guys. just know ill be here if you need me. ill wait if i have to. if im going in the wrong path, just tell me. im okay with settling for less. ill love you just the same. don't forget that please.

your my best friend. and i love you.

messy fuck

i hate cleaning. especially my room. and i hate being on a diet. but im gonna stick with it. im gonna do this. i just miss being able to eat peanut butter and jelly on white bread. and just snacks n stuff. whatever. i have a strong will.

even though i would kill for some mac n cheese :(

i undeniably

miss being your best friend.

we parted and i dont know why. and i never will.

i knew you the longest out of any of my friends. and you knew me the most. 

still to this day i think you are the prettiest person i have ever met.

i wouldn't say it if i didnt mean it..

i just wish you knew that. i just wish you knew how amazing you are

im sorry i was so immature. and im sorry for not being there when you truly needed me. if i could take everything back i would. if i could just go back and start over when we were young i would in a heartbeat.

i hope your doing well. 

i just. 

fucking miss you.

apple pie. french fry.

summer

is here! finally

it feels odd to say im now a junior. or will be next year. just another year closer to graduating

upperclassssman. muaha

and i love all my best friends

reli,jenni,jasmine,lauren,monica,ash,maddie,devon

and any one else in my life who just makes me smile every day

also im trying not to think about the fact i have summer school second semester.

oh well. at least i get a 3 week break right?!

my stress reliever

poems. i write them often. here are just some random ones ive written.

your mesmerizing frame is dangerously close to me. Your skin, luminous and touchable, inches from me, sending millions of tiny electrical surges throughout my whole body. Every vertebrate, ever muscle, pumping with electricity. Every drop of blood flowing through me like a river attempting to reach the other side of the world. Carrying with it hope, secrets, and a life time of memories floating about. if there was only an inch of myself left that has anything left for me to hold on to. the sun, overly bright and captivating, brings me close, draws me in, similar to what you do to me. before you, there wasn't an existing thought on my mind that believed itself could last. before you i felt untouchable, unbreakable. Slowly life begins to shut down. My life begins to fall apart piece by piece, softly crumbling away from what hope i still have left. It disappears into the light, being swallowed by our soft auras.

My body begins to feel weightless. I slowly begin to lay on the bed of grass which is placed underneath us. every green blade of grass speckled with raindrops falling gently from above. the sun, high above, breathes me into its warm air and i am hypnotized by its luminous rays. your gentle fingers trace my spine, sending surges through my body. your hair, soft to the touch, slowly brushing across my face. your breath, warm and subtle, i can feel whispering into my ear. with every beat my heart takes another breath in of air.

you take my mind and spin it around till i cant see straight. a blurred vision but your still stuck in the center focus i see you perfectly, but its me that you cant see is wanting it so much enough, is my willingness to give myself to you too much? or is the whole concept of me releasing my vulnerability to you impossible. i wish you were just able to hold my hand and never let it go and as our hands collide together and become one the beats dancing around my head in our misty aromas not even pausing for a breath but our hands tracing the outline of one another's body your eyes slowly close. and as your heart raises towards the sky everything around us black and white you and me in sync. colorful and wrapped interchanging shades of color a light gasp of air, taking it in as if it were our first and this innocent feeling we are experiencing as if we have before but a loss of innocence has approached and as your wrapped in my arms the thoughts in your mind sing to me they whisper your deepest secrets and wants i whisper mine to you

life goes on

a lot happened today. im glad me and my dance girls did a good job.

i want it to be summer already. 

my shoulder hurts.

please dont be mad at me.

and i hate that i want something completely different than he does

and i wish she could see how much she hurts me 

:/

whine whine whine

i mean working out is okay, but i just wish i could have instant results. or just be born blessed with a beautiful body. but everyone has their flaws

i just wish i didn't think about mine so much

plus i wish i wouldn't of done that. i am such a fucking nosy person. and i almost threatened a friendship. i seriously need to think before i act. im so sorry. your my best friend and i will never betray your trust like that. ever again.

 :(

I need to

stop stealing

accept myself fully

realize that i will be on my own in about 2 years

be nicer to my mom

clean my fucking room. and keep it clean

stop being such a bitch

keep eating healthy. and stick with working out this time. 3 weeks strong!

join a sport

stop being so selfish

let everyone i love know how much i love them

get good grades next year

cut down on the drug use. all my moneys disappearing man

be grateful for everything i have

 

is it weird to say

im scared to say im a junior. but also excited. it seemed like just yesterday i was still going to sacred heart in elementary. ahah catholic school now look where i ended up.

im think im ready for this. im ready to start my life.

Addicted.

i cant help it. but i keep repeating my actions.  like a record repeating in my mind over and over again. 

but i feel so free

So

i finally made one.

now everyone can read every thought on my mind.

enjoy

Racing

my mind seems to retrace back to these feelings. no matter how much i attempt to stray from them, they follow me like rain after the clouds have appeared. i am lost in these feelings. i am trapt inside my own mind. unable to breathe. unable to speak. and here i stay. there is no chance for return. i keep telling myself it will get better. but the time has not come. here i wait. here i stay.